have tokgo get on plan e in few hrs bu im still drumk lolololol
Managed to un-drunk myself a bit by downing a few litres of overpriced water before airport security- speaking of which, I hope I don’t get stopped. There is a rather cumbersome piece of metal in my left arm.
Phew, made it through. You’ll be pleased to know the security scanner was unresponsive to the barium in my upper body.
Come to think of it, the metal in my jeans didn’t set off the scanner either.
Or the zip of my hoodie. Wow, Gatwick needs to sort their shit out.
Mum’s yelling at me because I packed too many tampons and now they’re spillin’ out all over the place. Usually she yells at me because I don’t pack enough sanitary products. I’ve packed them properly now but there still might be a few roaming loose.
There are literally tampons overflowing out of my pockets.
I have to keep picking tampons up off of the floor and apologising to people.
We have to take swimwear and stuff out of our bags so that the concierge could lock our bags up because our room isn’t ready yet. When I opened my bag a bunch of panty liners just kind of… flew out. All over the hotel lobby. The look my mother is giving me right now isn’t too dissimilar from the one she gave me she saw my neknomination. Well, a cross between that and the look she had when she found out I kicked in the windscreen.
There are lots of old and/or fat people here wearing not very much. I suddenly feel a lot more secure about my body.
Mum just asked why I have a plaster on my arm so I said a drunk Year 11 girl wearing a knuckleduster punched me. She’s surprisingly convinced by this story.
I’m pretty sure I just got hit on by a twelve-year-old.
That’s not even the first time that’s happened. Never forget Halloween ‘13: I was Harley Quinn. He was a glow-in-the-dark skeleton. He said ‘You’re hot’ to me whilst he waited for his mum to come out the corner shop. I ignored him and probably tweeted something about prepubescent misogyny. It wasn’t meant to be.
My cleavage got sunburned. Not the rest of my boobs, just my cleavage.
My stomach got sunburned as well. Also my arms.
Oh, no, just the tops of my arms. You’ll be pleased to know the backs still maintain that pasty white goodness.
I look like Ross in that Friends episode where he tries to get a tan but fails miserably and ends up half-black instead.
The Lobster Look is in this year, right? We’ve been here less than two days and already I am startlingly reminiscent of the cooked tomatoes I had for breakfast this morning.
My excessive sunburned-ness raises another question: Is there a chance of the plastic in my arm melting? What happens then? I hope get birth control-related superpowers. I want the ability to impregnate and un-impregnate people at will. And by ‘people’ I mean men and women.
We left the hotel properly for the first time today to go to the beach, which was nice. I did not anticipate the sheer volume of nudist Germans, however. Sadie and Susannah would’ve felt right at home.
My mum thought she saw a statue performer but it was just a Muslim woman.
WE’RE GOING TO THE CHEESE MUSEUM!
Fucksake the Cheese Museum was closed.
Family holidays can be a little overwhelming so I’ve gone on an evening stroll. I walked as far as the path allowed and now I’ve found a nice, quiet bay with nobody else around. Is it bad that this is the highlight of my holiday? It’s not my fault I’m such good company for myself.
Actually, there is a single, solitary car parked some distance behind me but I think it’s been abandoned.
I just heard screaming coming from the car.
Oh God they’re fucking there are people in the car really loudly fucking I just saw a hand against the windscreen god dammit I thought this would be a calm quiet place relax but NOOOOOOOOOOOOPE there are car fuckers fucking in their fucking car they use for fucking ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT
Today was our lucky day- the salt museum was open! Did you know there are over 40 different types of edible salt?
I was carrying two plates of food and a bowl of pudding back to my table from the buffet and another guest stopped me to ask if I was a waitress. God dammit, why can’t I enjoy my starter in peace?
We’re back now. My suitcase is still full of tampons seeing as not one was necessary the entire holiday.