Some sound advice from Dr Seuss is what’s gonna get me through the day: ‘Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind’.
Oh, I’d also like to take this opportunity to apologise for various offending statements in the video, namely ‘Here’s to hoping I don’t get raped’. It was meant to be humorous but I can see how it could easily be perceived as insensitive. I’d also like to apologise for overdoing the F-bombs.
Here’s why I did it:
1. I got nominated. I mean, I wasn’t NOT going to do my neknomination. Hopefully the whole trend will die out soon and no longer will I spend every waking hour worrying for the vulnerable few who are yet to be chosen.
2. For the likes. No point in lying, there’s something about getting likes on Facebook that gives me a pathetic false sense of approval. I’m pretty sure this the case with everybody, though.
3. ‘Why in a bath, you attention seeking slut?’ Excuse me, no slut shaming on my blog please. Even if that’s a valid accusation. I did it in the bath primarily, if not solely because, NOBODY ELSE HAD. If I saw one more person snort salt or eat a fucking egg… well, I would have tutted loudly and tweeted about it. But that’s not the point. The point is that I wanted to do something creative without consuming anything vomit-inducing.
My original idea was to fill the bath with beer, or have some kind of beer shower, but I had no means (nor the money) of acquiring that much alcohol. I suppose drinking out of a teapot would have been creative enough, but I really wanted to revolutionise the whole fad. Of course, things would be different if I didn’t have tits.
You didn’t think I’d make it through a whole blog post without getting feminism involved, did you?
The novelty of the nomination is the bath and the teapot. Not me. What I mean is, if a boy had done exactly the same thing as me- filmed himself getting pissed alone in a bath- the responses would be very different. I don’t know about the likes, but there certainly wouldn’t be references to masturbation in the comments and the word ‘slut’ wouldn’t have come into it. I’m not saying I necessarily mind this, I’m just noting that it would have been a very different scenario.
Also, I’d appreciate suggestions on how to do a neknomination in the bath, as a female, in a way that wouldn’t be construed as ‘slutty’. I wasn’t going to take a normal, naked bath, not least because that would LITERALLY be child porn, and I’m not exactly going to take a bath fully clothed, either. The bikini made sense. I don’t own a ‘less sexy’ bathing outfit (what would that even be, anyway? A swimsuit? A wetsuit? One of those full body suits that Muslim women wear? Yes, that’s a real thing. Google ‘burkini’…) and I’m not going to go out of my way to get one.
I actually wanted the bubbles to be higher, but the only bubble bath we had was a good five years old and wouldn’t fill up the tub properly.
Regardless, it’s NOT that sexy. If it’s sexy at all. The perspective of the camera makes me look pretty disproportionate; my hands look massive (though that’s probably because they are massive); my posture is terrible and, let’s face it, pretty mannish. The face isn’t great. My hair pretty much covers my boobs. Well, it was meant to.
I’m not trying to vent my insecurities, I don’t particularly care about these things and I’d say I’m pretty confident about my appearance, I’m just trying to highlight the fact that it WASN’T a sexual video. That wasn’t the intention, anyway, even if certain hormonal teenagers perceived it differently.
4. It was meant to be funny. That’s what I was hoping the redeeming quality would be. I would definitely hope that I myself have more redeeming qualities than what I look like- fuck it, EVERYONE should have more redeeming qualities than just their appearance.
I was trying to parody those swanky clichéd bath scenes you see in the media so much. Ideally, I would have had rose petals, and a bigger bath, and more bubbles, and even candles. Oh, and a cigar.
Alas, I am too poor. Also I’m not cool enough to obtain a cigar.
I feel sorry for you if you didn’t get the humour element. I don’t mean that you should have found it funny personally, I just mean that if you dismissed the video as Drunk Slut In A Bath then you completely missed what I was trying to do. Bound 2 was playing in the background, for fuck’s sake. I used a time card from SPONGEBOB at one point.
God dammit, this is what I get for trying to be funny as a female. Everybody knows women can’t be funny.
Here’s why I regret it:
1. Despite the seemingly positive responses I did get, the lack of response is what worries me. A lot more people saw that video and didn’t ‘like’ it than those who did. I know that’s the case with most things on Facebook but, considering my attire (or lack thereof) and everything I just spoke about, that’s not a nice thought. I feel that the people who ‘liked’ it did so mainly because they ‘got’ my humour.
Most of the friend requests I got afterwards were from people who didn’t ‘like’ the video, not just creepy and/or sexually frustrated teenage boys. I got friend requests from quite a few girls who didn’t press the ‘like’ button even though they could have done so without being my Facebook friend. Some of these girls I knew, sure, but some of them I had never spoken to or had even heard of.
So why did they add me?
That’s not rhetorical. Please, help me understand. I would never feel compelled to add somebody just because their (arguably provocative) video came up on my newsfeed. I wouldn’t feel compelled to make sweeping judgements or indirect tweets, either.
Essentially, people who don’t know me very well now think I’m a total freak. This shouldn’t bother me but I like being liked and really dislike being disliked. I can guarantee that some of the people who saw that video have now decided, based simply on those four minutes, that they don’t like me, even though they don’t know me properly. At the very least, there are now people out there think I’m a total nutjob. Thing is, I wouldn’t get on with people who have this mindset anyway, but it’s still not exactly pleasant to think about. Maybe semi-naked bathtub videos don’t make for the best first impression.
2. My parents and my sister saw it.
So now they know I’ve smoked and publish ‘suggestive’ content publicly on the internet. They’ve also found my Twitter and potentially this blog. If you’re there, family, STOP STALKING MY SHIT. In the words of Regina George, why are you so obsessed with me?
Here’s to hoping they don’t find my /r/gonewild throwaway any time soon.
[Joke. That was a joke. I was joking. It’s a thing I do sometimes. That doesn’t mean I actually HAVE a /r/gonewild throwaway, funnily enough.]
'But Lara, if you don't want people to see things, then you shouldn't make them publicly available on the internet!'
True, but what worries me is that they WANTED to see the video, and my Twitter, and my Facebook account. They actively searched for these things as a result of some kind of morbid curiousity, even though the outcome could only be negative. If I had a teenage daughter I wouldn’t invade their privacy like that even if I had the ability to do so. That’s why I’m upset.
Also, I was quite happy being the perfect child. I haven’t been majorly punished or anything but I’m pretty annoyed that the positive image they’ve had of me for 16 years has been totally shat on.
If you Google my name the first thing that comes up is ‘Record GCSE Results’. I wonder how long it’ll be before that’s replaced by ‘underage vanilla amateur tubgirl goes viral’.
3. WHY DID I MAKE IT PUBLIC?! WHAT MINDSET WAS I IN THAT THAT COULD HAVE POSSIBLY SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA?
'Friends of Friends' was the setting, I believe. I have 182 Friends. Multiply that by every one of their friends… Oh God. I wouldn’t be surprised if, literally, thousands of people have seen it. The entire college. The entire city.
Only Friends can see it now (and even then there are probably plenty of people on my Friends list who I’d rather didn’t watch it) but originally, anyone could have seen it.
DID see it.
Including my sister, even though I thought I blocked her. That part’s on you, Zuckerberg.
Of course, we all know the reason why I made it public in the first place.
For the likes.